Trust: Without Understanding
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6 I have trust issues. Oddly enough, I usually don't have too much trouble trusting people. Where I have a problem is trusting myself and trusting God. It's complicated to explain, but in a nutshell I could boil it down to one sentence: I want control.
I want control of my emotions. I want control of my decisions. I want control over my circumstances. I want to know where I'm coming from, where I am and where I'm going. Give me a blueprint with all the steps laid out in a logical fashion and I'll be a happy camper. I don't want to be left in the dark. I want to know.
Unfortunately, you can't control what you don't understand. And quite honestly, I don't understand much. I get overwhelmed sometimes. I can feel so strongly that I am being led in a particular direction and then suddenly something happens that stops me in my tracks and causes me to turn in a different direction. Sometimes I feel like I have no sense of direction at all and I am forced to wait on the Lord for an answer. I know my limitations and that there is only so much that I know, understand and can act upon, which is where my lack of trust in myself comes from. The truth is that I shouldn't trust myself. God tells me not to rely on my own understanding. I'll get it wrong. I'm not able to see the big picture.
But my need for control tells me that I don't trust God the way I should. I am learning that when it comes to things I can't control, I need to throw my hands up in the air, take a big breath and recognize that God is more than capable. When I surrender the details of my life to Him, I leave everything in good hands.
Not only is God capable, but He loves me. He desires the best for me and has every resource at His disposal to make it happen. It says in Matthew 7:11, "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him!" Our God is the best Father. He doesn't withhold His goodness from us. It says in Psalms 23:6 that His goodness and unfailing love pursue us. It chases us down.
I begin many of my prayers with this familiar line, "Lord, I just don't understand..." He usually cuts me off right there. "Theresa, you're right. You don't understand and I don't need you to. I just need you to trust me."